Men Are Pigs, And They Don't Wash Their Hands

I was drinking a few beers at my neighborhood Huey's the other night. OK, those who know Bluto will not have a hard time fathoming this possibility.

At any rate, beer is always rented, so I had to return some of it. Something happened in the Huey's men's room that usually happens there, and at Buffalo Wild Wings, and in every other bar or restaurant I frequent. This day's example was more egregious than others so it's worth, at least in Bluto's warped mind, pointing out as perfect evidence of why men are pigs.

Women have known this for eons. Men are having a harder time coming to grips with the concept.

And, no, I was not spying on others to enhance my feelings of inadequacy, so get your filthy minds out of the gutter.

A young man finished his rental return, turned, and walked straight out of the men's room. When I see this, I am always disgusted. Having lived in Memphis for the better part of two decades, it takes quite a bit to move the disgusto-meter. But watching somebody do their business, then walk out without making even a feeble attempt at hand washing, is disgusting and points out the lousy parenting they got.

My kids wash their hands every time. They do this because they have learned there are consequences. I have pointed out to them what people do who don't wash. And, if my sons touch a handle or faucet with a bare hand after washing, they have to scrub up again, "scrub" being the operative word here. Only the friction caused by scrubbing kills bacteria. Rinsing with a little water does nothing but partially remove that pesky smell of pee-pee from your fingers.

Here's a clue to men. When you just rinse off with some water, then turn off the faucet and open the door with your bare hand, you are touching what's left behind by the thousands of your fellow morons who came before you. You just took away Fred's urine, Joe's poop, and Larry's sperm. Yes, sperm.

I have seen or read several investigations where reporters swab door handles in men's rooms. When tested, the number one thing found was, in many cases, sperm. Makes one not want to look through a crack of the stall door to see if it's empty. Every sample has fecal matter or urine traces. I, for one, am not a big fan of having someone else's body waste samples on my hands, samples I can then easily transfer to my lips and intestines through the act of eating.

So, men, go ahead and take Larry's sperm back to your table with you. Which is what the young man did at Huey's on this recent night.

As I walked back to my table, and yes I scrubbed well with soap and used a paper towel to shut off the water and open the door, I saw the young man EATING NACHOS with his fingers.

So, and this is a mind-blower, the young man was eating Larry's sperm, Fred's urine, and Joe's poop. Yes, when you leave a restroom and grab the handle, you have become one with all of those who came before you. If you are comfortable with that, I only ask that you stay away from me. Don't shake my hand. Don't pass the salt. And don't lick your fingers where I can see it.

And picture this. If you shake that young man's hand, you have become one with him, Larry, Joe, and Fred. If you use that ketchup bottle that young man used, you join with him in the fecal fraternity. If you think restaurants are routinely disinfecting this stuff, you're nuts. It's the gift that keeps on giving, and can give for hours.

This is about common decency, which I know is lacking in our neck of the woods. It's about doing everything possible to help prevent the spread of diseases, and if you think diseases can't be spread through fecal matter, think again.

Parents, teach your children. And, consumers, if you see a restaurant employee doing an inadequate job of hand washing, tell the manager immediately. If you feel the manager is part of the problem, call the health department.

You think it can't affect you? One of the better TV News investigations I've seen was out of Salt Lake City. A crew bought iced tea at six fast-food places and sent each sample to a lab for testing. The number one contaminant in these samples? Fecal matter. In other words, employees were doing a "code brown" and then not washing their hands. Then they made the iced tea and let everyone who drank it have a little poopie sample.

I'm told the same sort of uncleanliness happens in women's restrooms, but I have not actively sought to enter one on purpose (I have taken a wrong turn after renting a LOT of beer, but that's another story for another time).

Men are pigs. Don't shake their hands. Don't touch handles in men's rooms. And if you see Joe eating nachos, try to avoid the urge to run away screaming, at least in a crowded restaurant.

If you think this is a small problem, it's not. I would estimate that half or more of the men going in and out of bar and restaurant restrooms are not washing their hands. It's especially bad among younger men, who think they're invincible, but it cuts across all age and racial lines.

You can't stop these idiots from polluting things, but you can protect yourself by using paper towels and napkins to touch all community things in public places. Or you can wash your hands well before eating finger food.

I'd say this all really pisses me off, but that would be too easy. I'd also say we should all confront the morons who don't wash up (but I didn't pee on my hands!) Right, and I want to touch your Johnson. Thanks a lot. Confrontation would do no good. These buttheads just don't care, and all of the harsh words in the world aren't going to make them change.

So teach your children, don't touch crap-laden crap, and carry sanitizer. It's a dirty world out there. Men are pigs who mark their territory like dogs. You don't have to help with the spread. Maybe just oink around them a little.