Men Are Pigs, And They Don't Wash Their Hands

I was drinking a few beers at my neighborhood Huey's the other night. OK, those who know Bluto will not have a hard time fathoming this possibility.

At any rate, beer is always rented, so I had to return some of it. Something happened in the Huey's men's room that usually happens there, and at Buffalo Wild Wings, and in every other bar or restaurant I frequent. This day's example was more egregious than others so it's worth, at least in Bluto's warped mind, pointing out as perfect evidence of why men are pigs.

Women have known this for eons. Men are having a harder time coming to grips with the concept.

And, no, I was not spying on others to enhance my feelings of inadequacy, so get your filthy minds out of the gutter.

A young man finished his rental return, turned, and walked straight out of the men's room. When I see this, I am always disgusted. Having lived in Memphis for the better part of two decades, it takes quite a bit to move the disgusto-meter. But watching somebody do their business, then walk out without making even a feeble attempt at hand washing, is disgusting and points out the lousy parenting they got.

My kids wash their hands every time. They do this because they have learned there are consequences. I have pointed out to them what people do who don't wash. And, if my sons touch a handle or faucet with a bare hand after washing, they have to scrub up again, "scrub" being the operative word here. Only the friction caused by scrubbing kills bacteria. Rinsing with a little water does nothing but partially remove that pesky smell of pee-pee from your fingers.

Here's a clue to men. When you just rinse off with some water, then turn off the faucet and open the door with your bare hand, you are touching what's left behind by the thousands of your fellow morons who came before you. You just took away Fred's urine, Joe's poop, and Larry's sperm. Yes, sperm.

I have seen or read several investigations where reporters swab door handles in men's rooms. When tested, the number one thing found was, in many cases, sperm. Makes one not want to look through a crack of the stall door to see if it's empty. Every sample has fecal matter or urine traces. I, for one, am not a big fan of having someone else's body waste samples on my hands, samples I can then easily transfer to my lips and intestines through the act of eating.

So, men, go ahead and take Larry's sperm back to your table with you. Which is what the young man did at Huey's on this recent night.

As I walked back to my table, and yes I scrubbed well with soap and used a paper towel to shut off the water and open the door, I saw the young man EATING NACHOS with his fingers.

So, and this is a mind-blower, the young man was eating Larry's sperm, Fred's urine, and Joe's poop. Yes, when you leave a restroom and grab the handle, you have become one with all of those who came before you. If you are comfortable with that, I only ask that you stay away from me. Don't shake my hand. Don't pass the salt. And don't lick your fingers where I can see it.

And picture this. If you shake that young man's hand, you have become one with him, Larry, Joe, and Fred. If you use that ketchup bottle that young man used, you join with him in the fecal fraternity. If you think restaurants are routinely disinfecting this stuff, you're nuts. It's the gift that keeps on giving, and can give for hours.

This is about common decency, which I know is lacking in our neck of the woods. It's about doing everything possible to help prevent the spread of diseases, and if you think diseases can't be spread through fecal matter, think again.

Parents, teach your children. And, consumers, if you see a restaurant employee doing an inadequate job of hand washing, tell the manager immediately. If you feel the manager is part of the problem, call the health department.

You think it can't affect you? One of the better TV News investigations I've seen was out of Salt Lake City. A crew bought iced tea at six fast-food places and sent each sample to a lab for testing. The number one contaminant in these samples? Fecal matter. In other words, employees were doing a "code brown" and then not washing their hands. Then they made the iced tea and let everyone who drank it have a little poopie sample.

I'm told the same sort of uncleanliness happens in women's restrooms, but I have not actively sought to enter one on purpose (I have taken a wrong turn after renting a LOT of beer, but that's another story for another time).

Men are pigs. Don't shake their hands. Don't touch handles in men's rooms. And if you see Joe eating nachos, try to avoid the urge to run away screaming, at least in a crowded restaurant.

If you think this is a small problem, it's not. I would estimate that half or more of the men going in and out of bar and restaurant restrooms are not washing their hands. It's especially bad among younger men, who think they're invincible, but it cuts across all age and racial lines.

You can't stop these idiots from polluting things, but you can protect yourself by using paper towels and napkins to touch all community things in public places. Or you can wash your hands well before eating finger food.

I'd say this all really pisses me off, but that would be too easy. I'd also say we should all confront the morons who don't wash up (but I didn't pee on my hands!) Right, and I want to touch your Johnson. Thanks a lot. Confrontation would do no good. These buttheads just don't care, and all of the harsh words in the world aren't going to make them change.

So teach your children, don't touch crap-laden crap, and carry sanitizer. It's a dirty world out there. Men are pigs who mark their territory like dogs. You don't have to help with the spread. Maybe just oink around them a little.

The Society of Those Who Tip Accurately To Reflect The Quality Of Memphis Service

Today Bluto is annoyed again. This time it's about lousy customer service and, more specifically, why we continue to support it. At the end of today's entry I have an invitation to you, and to others, to help make a difference and accurately expose places where the service, well, routinely has a high suck factor.

Be honest. When was the last time you went to a restaurant and tipped 20% even though the service was lousy?

Guess what? You just empowered that lazy or apathetic server to do the same thing to the next chump.

My family and I, along with some friends, visited PF Chang's on Sunday. We were seated promptly, which may be notice served that the place is starting to become less popular. I mean, when was the last time you went to one of the more popular Memphis eateries right after Church on Sunday and got a seat right away, especially for a party of nine as we had? I can't remember.

At any rate, we sat in our seats for several minutes before anyone came to take a drink order. At that point I should have known something would be wrong but I was having a good time conversing with our friends and watching our children, and theirs, play drums with their chopsticks (which I confiscated shortly thereafter when plates became cymbals).

Things were looking up again when the server said she'd have no problem remembering how to split the check. (doing this keeps friendships fresh, IMHO)

But after our drink glasses went unfilled each and every time, and we sat for 10-15 minutes waiting on refills, after our sauce mixes didn't come out when the spring rolls did (I LOVE the sauce when it's mixed just right) and after half the food came out and we had to wait for the rest, things just went downhill. My favorite was her making us wait for 15-minutes for our check, and forgetting our take-home box. I got a bit snippy at this point.

I summoned a manager, and my friend and I calmly, believe it or not, explained all that had gone wrong. The manager was helpful and I believe heard and considered our points. BTW, the male manager on duty seemed oblivious to everything. It was his female counterpart that actually seemed as if she had a clue.

The final insult came when the checks came and 18% gratuity was tacked on. The manager offered to reduce it but, by this time, we had been in the restaurant for one hour and 50 minutes, and our children had long since reached the bouncing off of the walls point. We protested, signed the checks and left.

What saves this place is my friend and I agree we usually get good service and good food when we go there, which is often. But we have been twice on recent Sundays and, both times, things simply sucked. And having to wait on one's food, especially when one has kids in tow, for nearly an hour is unforgivable.

Last night we took a friend who had a reason to celebrate a success to dinner at Cozymels. I am not a big fan of the place, but she likes it so my wife and I took her there.

My youngest ordered the kid's "Mac and Cheese" meal. We were informed the place had run out of pasta. Tell me, how does a place run out of enough pasta to make a kid's mac and cheese?

Of course I tipped 20%. I am a moron.

Here's what I propose for all of you who read this and, I hope, you will spread the offer to any and all of those you know who might like to participate.

Let's create, with all of us as charter members, the "The Society of Those Who Tip Accurately To Reflect The Quality Of Memphis Service." We will pledge to each other that, if we get sucky service, we will tip ten percent or less. I am NOT a big fan of "stiffing" a server because, even if they stink at their jobs, they have mouths to feed.

To be a member you have to pledge to tip to accurately reflect the quality of the service AND to speak with a manager BEFORE leaving the establishment that day.

Part two; you will send your restaurant experience narratives, being as specific as possible, to me. Then I will have establish one day per week where I will post them and we will share which local dining establishments to avoid, which ones to patronize, and which ones to simply ridicule and at which to scoff.

If you sign your post, and I know who you are, you will remain anonymous. If I don't know who you are, and you give me a valid email address, which is non-Hotmail or GMail or other anonymous service, or if you tell me who referred you to the blog, I will post it and not use your name.

I think the Commercial Appeal's Restaurant Reviews are no longer useful. It used to be they would excoriate lousy service or food, and give a grade to reflect that. Now there is no grade offered, and they simply love everywhere.

So, this forum can serve as an accurate reading of what customer service is really like at local dining halls, both expensive and cheap.

Get to eating and get to writing. We can help each other to know how and where to spend our eating-out money more effectively and efficiently.

And I'll have you to help me creatively bitch about stuff.

Extremism In The Defense Of The Packing

"Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice, moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue." Barry Goldwater's quote is one of the most powerful of the last century, IMHO. It's often misinterpreted, as Goldwater was not referring to bomb-throwing "freedom fighters", but rather to those who stood to fight, rhetorically or by their dedication to their cause.

The thing about the quote, however, is that it ignores nuance. It tosses aside distinctions and seems to suggest blind allegiance to a credo, and those who would profit from doing so will claim it means that it's pretty much OK to do or say anything if you have to do get something done.

On Memorial Day I am always reminded of the dedication to the defense of liberty that American fighting men and women have shown throughout our country's history. I think it's fair to say that Americans fought the good fight for nearly two hundred years. I can be persuaded by an argument that our battles in Vietnam and Iraq have not always been, "the good fight", but that doesn't take away the honor shown by those who fought there, and it should never denigrate the sacrifices they made. As a former Marine I understand that I might be ordered to fight in any battle, in any war, and as a Marine I accept that. It comes with the territory. Marines fight honorably, and it's sometimes to the death.

But there are some fights that just aren't honorable. There are some battles that, by their very fighting, forfeit the moral high ground. They further empower the powerful, and they weaken the weakest. Such is the battle over keeping ALL firearms legal in the United States.

I believe we, as Americans, should have the right to own a firearm. I don't believe the Second Amendment guarantees that. Yes, this is a dichotomy and some will call it waffling or worse. I prefer to believe it's the willingness to look at issues and refuse to take an "all or nothing" stand. I liken it to a line-item veto. If a US President had the blanket ability to delete certain portions of bills, without throwing the entire thing into the trash, then American taxpayers would fund far fewer pork barrel projects, perhaps in the range of more than a trillion dollars.

But, as congress knows it's "all or nothing" and if a President vetoes a bill, even with hundreds of riders attached, then our pork-loving elected officials can override the veto and force that "bridge to nowhere" down our throats. (note, for at least four more years there is very little hope of any veto as Saint Barrack has a congressional majority. We do have two years to wake up, people) After all, if a congressman attaches $50 million for home-state hubcap factories to a bill that would provide free vaccines to the poor, a Presidential veto can be spun, by the aggrieved congressman, into appearing that the President hates children.

I don't have much respect for any "all or nothing" people. OK, maybe those who say one best consumes chocolate brownies an entire tray at a time don't qualify here. Other than that, however, I think such people or organizations are harmful to those of us who have the mental capacity, and the ability, to look at issues without zealotry or political myopia.

The National Rifle Association is willing to employ any tactic necessary to force through its agenda. It will fatten the fat cats with $1000 steak dinners. It will transport politicians to exotic locales for vacations. It will promise it's political largesse, and voting block of lemmings, to those who play along. The NRA understands how the American political game is played, and it plays it with the skill of Yo-yo Ma manipulating his cello.

I don't hate the NRA. Its firearm safety program is outstanding, and its campaign to educate people on how to keep from blowing off their private parts has merit. Yes, pistol packers do blow off their own private parts, and it happens with more regularity than any "all or nothing" firearms supporter wants to admit. But it's handguns that cause this mayhem. I haven't heard of anyone shooting their own wee-wee with a shotgun in, oh, ever.

I simply despise the way the NRA deals in absolutes. The NRA refuses to consider that Teflon-coated bullets that can pierce though a police officer's Kevlar vest should be illegal. I guess one never knows when one might need an armor-piercing round to off Bambi. The little bastard might be packing heat, after all. And the NRA refuses to even consider that assault rifles, such as the AK-47, a weapon designed to fire a round big enough to punch a hole the size of your fist as it comes out of your back, are for killing people and not for hunting or anything else that might be of benefit to mankind. And tell me why machine pistols, such as Uzi's, which are specifically designed to fire rounds at people, should be allowed on our streets? The NRA believes they should.

It's the NRA's all or nothing way of dealing with firearms that drives me to disparage the organization and its goals. I realize it's a convenient whipping boy for liberals and anti-firearms activists. I am not one of either of those factions. And I know my position on common sense legislation of firearms drives some of my fellow conservatives nuts. We've had "the chat". Even with the flak coming from the right I am not willing to concede that Big Brother will come to confiscate my Remington .22 with the outstanding Bushnell scope if we make handguns and assault rifles illegal.

I'm also not willing to concede the old position "if guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns." I am not calling for the elimination of all firearms, only those sold, distributed, and possessed for one reason; the killing of people.

I have never been hunting with a .45 calibre pistol. I have never shot a deer with the M-16 I learned to use as an effective killing machine during my tenure as a Marine. I have, however, harvested prey using a 12-gauge shotgun. I also feel I can defend my family and my home quite effectively with either a shotgun or my .22 rifle loaded with hollow-point bullets.

I am a strict constitutionalist. I believe our country was made great primarily because we have a document, the United States Constitution, that lives and breaths. The men that wrote it some 220 years ago created a document that guaranteed life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness to all who dwell in our country. It has been amended many times, but for our country to remain what it has become I believe we must defend and apply the constitution as it was meant to be applied.

There are a few parts of the Bill of Rights that some find inconvenient today, or they are just too lazy to understand and defend. I believe the men that wrote the document were brilliant, and took a lot of time to think through the wording, and the meaning, of what they wrote.

There was a reason the "Founding Fathers" specifically cited the Press in the Constitution and its amendments. They understood that a free press, that was willing to expose government corruption and would take on government, was necessary to inform the electorate and help voters make educated choices.

Please note there is nothing about term limits anywhere in the constitution. The Constitution's authors felt elections would accomplish that. The Press would, by design, help ferret out information needed by people and, by design, people would consume it and make good decisions on Election Day.

Even though the electorate, by and large, no longer gives a collective rat's posterior about doing any kind of research, especially in Memphis where skin color often means more than honesty, integrity, and wisdom, the Constitution is still on-point about how it should work. When people start believing they are smarter than Thomas Jefferson, et.al, then we get what we deserve.

Which brings me, nicely, to the Constitution's Second Amendment. To understand why it is written the way it is one must understand the way things were when it was written. Around 1787 the Revolutionary War was a painful and recent memory. Americans didn't have much stomach for another big war, and there was not a truly strong central government. As such, states and territories had to rely on militias to enforce the law and keep peace.

When the Constitution's authors met to pen the "Bill Of Rights", they had to consider a way to allow the states to arm the militias, and prevent rogue courts or other authorities from robbing them of that power and right. So, the Second Amendment was added. It reads, "A well maintained militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

That, my friends, is the ENTIRE text of the Second Amendment. The intent of the amendment was solely to arm militias. The language, "the right of the people to keep and bear arms" was never intended to allow every American to pack a sidearm, own an assault rifle, or bear a bazooka.

If one checks one's history, Americans simply didn't own weapons at the time of the writing of the Constitution. Farmers had them to shoot food to feed their families. But city dwellers didn't have them, and by all accounts gun crime was non-existent.

It was only in the late 19th century, when the Colt sidearm became mass produced, that Americans started their long romance with firearms. It was mass advertising that caused it, and the battle over the Second Amendment started in earnest.

The Second Amendment notwithstanding, the recent passage of laws in Tennessee that will allow gun permit holders to take their weapons into bars and restaurants is simply one of the most astounding pieces of stupidity and idiocy I have witnessed in my lifetime. Tell me, what possible good can come of this? Guns and alcohol don't mix. True, if you're carrying a weapon it will still be illegal for you to drink in public. But tell me what bartender is going to refuse to serve a packing patron? And tell me why restaurant owners, managers, and employers should be forced to police this monument of moronity?

But the NRA supported the legislation and, behind the scenes, lent considerable political muscle to its passage. Of course, judging the Tennessee legislature using any kind of litmus test tied to gray matter is absurd and would yield nary a tick on the cerebral Geiger counter.

Businesses can post signs that make their establishments gun free. Tell me, if a pistol packing poltroon walks in demanding a drink, will that 95-lb. waitress tell him "no"? Remember the "well informed electorate" portion above? Tennesseans have a chance to show their lack of ignorance by voting these idiots out of office at the next possible opportunity. Now THERE is an example of effective limiting of terms in office.

I don't buy the argument that packing heat makes me safer. I know that people say they wear sidearms because it makes them feel safer. Perhaps, but it's an ill-conceived sense of safety and one refuted by several studies.

I have seen too many studies, and not just those funded by left-wing wackos, where people lack the training to defend themselves with a firearm when danger pops up.

There was an outstanding one shown recently on a televised news magazine. I wish I could remember the network, but it's really not important.

It showed several rooms full of people who had taken an extensive firearms training course. They all had weapons. They thought they had pistols but, in fact, they fired paint pellets.

Unexpectedly, an attacker burst into the room and started firing at them. They did not know it was coming. In every scenario, repeated several times, the pistol packers either shot each other, missed their target, or failed to get off a shot before they were, themselves, shot several times.

It takes years of training in facilities not available to the average Joe or Josephine to be able to defend oneself well in times of danger. The body reacts to danger by releasing tons of endorphins, and those little pearls of energy provide tunnel vision. You simply can't think like you need to think without long, long periods of stressful, real life, training. You and I can't walk off of the street and get it. You can't get it by firing at paper targets. You can't get it by going to the firing range and popping off rounds at a piece of wood that pops up 25-yards away.

The good stuff is available to law enforcement and the military. And without it, people simply can't learn to do what's necessary when their lives are threatened. We like to think we're John Wayne but, in fact, we're normal humans with reactions that humans have when in danger. And those reactions, unless sublimated through training, will prevent us from being able to draw, aim, and fire accurately and with the lethal action we need. In nearly every case the inadequately trained will be dead before he can fire an accurate shot or, as the training scenarios showed, they will kill an innocent bystander with an errant shot.

So, why not look at things calmly. Why can't we, as Americans, say we don't really need handguns or other weapons designed to kill people? Why can't we force our elected officials to actually provide penalties that mean something when firearms are used in commission of felonies? I propose a life prison sentence, without parole, for anyone who uses a firearm against a person. I propose taking away a judge's option to reduce the sentence. I propose taking away time for "good behavior". I propose that, if somebody uses a firearm against a person, whether he shoots that person or not, he goes away for the rest of his life.

This will only work if we take away the ability of bleeding heart judges to lessen sentences. And I believe that, if we do this, it will dramatically reduce the number of gun crimes. It might, after a time (because people will have to see that it works and that we weren't kidding) actually nearly eliminate gun crime. And wouldn't that negate the need to own a weapon designed to kill people?

You'd have to make selling such weapons illegal, at stores or at gun shows. You'd have to make those penalties strong, perhaps forfeiture of the violator's business and weapons stock, along with a hefty fine. And if someone is importing prohibited weapons, they go away for life as well.

I think the reason we have crime issues has a lot to do with the fact that we aren't serious about punishment. We allow smart lawyers and cowardly judges to manipulate prison time down to something not meaningful. Fix that, and things get better. It requires a lot of political will, and we continue to elect crooks and thieves who belly up to the NRA's, and other special interest group's, bars and water down everything that matters. We get what we deserve.

So, give all of us guns in restaurants and in federal parks. We'll kill each other and the bad guys will still run free. I loved the recent letter to the editor where the NRA apologist says we need guns in parks because 11 people were shot there last year. The last I checked there were hundreds of National Parks and National Monuments. 11 is too many, but it doesn't justify extremism in the defense of liberty.

It's time for some common sense. The NRA is a convenient target, and it certainly isn't the only problem in this mess. But it is the extremist at the center, and its "all or nothing" approach is harmful and dangerous to us all.

But at least it knows how to get out the vote, even if it's helping to make America a more deadly place than ever. Countries that effectively ban weapons, and have severe penalties for possession, have exceptionally low crime rates. Look it up for yourself.

But, in the United States, we can pack a pistol into the pub. Hey, that's worth something. And if you don't like it, eat steel coated rounds, sucker.

The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways

I often ponder God's sense of humor. I have no doubt that He has one. The evidence is omnipresent and irrefutable.

For instance, why does he allow husbands to open their mouths to make seemingly innocuous, and absolutely accurate, comments that they know will cause their wives to go into an apoplectic shock that will cause marriage stress for hours or days?

This morning I witnessed God's laughter first hand. I had two coffee cups in my car and, as I got ready to leave to take the kids to school, I told my wife I would bring them to her. She said, "just sit them down and I'll get them later." Now, if God did not have such a wicked sense of humor he would have simply allowed me to set them on a table in my garage, smile, and go on. But NOOOOOOO.

My garage is a pit. It drives me crazy. There are kites, bikes, bats, balls, tents, bags, a veritable plethora of child-related crap lying all over. I absolutely hate this. Why? Because I do. So, instead of just putting down the coffee cups, getting into my car, and silently driving away I said, "you know they'll still be here in two weeks."

Because of God's sense of humor I had a door slammed in my face.

If God didn't have a sense of humor why would he allow our minds to grow sharper and our bodies turn into blubber-enhanced piles of recliner goo? And, if men were really that smart, why would we continue to attempt to play sports designed for younger men? I know why. Because God invented Chiropractors and Orthopaedic Medicine specialists, and they have to feed their families, too.

This morning a friend related to me how he had attempted to play softball and had ruptured a hamstring so badly his thigh looked like a coal bin. As I had done this in the last two years, and as both of us are either pushing 50 or have already blown past that barrier, it caused me to, again, contemplate God's sense of humor. Why are men stupid enough to think they can still run bases at 50, but smart enough to invent things like a kit to turn a normal refrigerator into one for beer kegs? The wonder of it all simply causes me to pause.

And then there is beer. Ben Franklin said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." OK, I can see that. But if God does not have a sense of humor, why does he let white people drink beer and then go dancing? And why, if God does not have a sense of humor, did he allow the Village People to record "YMCA"? Go to a local minor-league baseball game. See JoeBob and SallyJoe drink beer. See white folks dancing to YMCA. There is no better evidence of God's sense of humor.

And, of course, one need not look farther than children for further evidence of God's sense of humor. I mean, without children we adults would have no idea how stupid we really are. As my eldest grows older, I get simply more and more cerebrally challenged. I don't know where the brain cells are going. Maybe they leak out through my auditory canals as I sleep. All I know is, five years ago I was the smartest guy in the world. Now I think the word "dad" is Yiddish for "freaking idiot" or something. And pretty soon the little *&%$# will be able to outrun me. Of course, right before we finish that race I am going to trip him so he falls down and breaks his leg. THEN let's see who's smart about finding an doctor in a hurry.

There may be no more powerful evidence of God's warped sense of humor than the Cheeseburger. I mean, what self-respecting American can go an entire week without a Cheeseburger? There is nothing sublime about the Cheeseburger. The burned beef, the fat slabs of cheese, the tangy mustard, the odorous onion; it all assaults our senses and brings us a few minutes of animal fat induced bliss. Then, after a few weeks of Cheeseburgers, we take our Lipitor for high cholesterol, we get on the treadmill to sweat off the excess weight, and we do our tummy crunches to try to take the Cheeseburger-added inches off of our prodigious pouches. Maybe Cheeseburgers are God's way of bringing us to Him quicker than the world would otherwise allow. All I know is, when I get a good Cheeseburger, I spend a few minutes in heaven. And I hear God laughing at the irony.

God's sense of humor was pointed out to me in a really powerful way this morning. It seems I get this sort of epiphany at the strangest times. Today I was driving my car, and my youngest had turned my XM radio to a Christian station, one with modern gospel. BTW, if you don't have XM, go get it. It's one of the smartest purchases I ever made. I've had it for seven years now.

Anyway, Whitney Houston was singing, "I Love The Lord." If you've never heard this, it is powerful in its simplicity and beauty. And Houston shows off those God-given pipes. Talk about smart vs. stupid, this woman is a poster child. But she can wail. This song always gives me chills, and today it nearly sent me to tears. I started thinking about how blessed I am. I love my family. I have a bunch of friends I adore and, maybe more importantly, they accept me for who I am, warts and all. OK, maybe the big mouth can cause issues at times, but they still don't turn away and run when I walk up.

Houston's singing on "The Preacher's Wife" soundtrack, on which "I Love The Lord" and her absolutely stunning version of "Joy To The World" exist, will give you chills. Then, when you factor in all of the stupid mistakes she's made with her life, you figure that God is both benevolent and forgiving.

But, back to the sense of humor. Why did he allow me to buy a car with an amazing stereo system, and then give the parts guys the right to charge me $300 to replace a speaker in one of the doors? OK, that isn't God at work, so it must be the devil.

And the devil is at work in our world. When we celebrate "alternative lifestyles" that God clearly, and repeatedly, tells us are wrong in His word, when we spread rumors about people, when we refuse to tell people about our faith, when we eat ourselves into HMO-busting blobs, it's the devil who is laughing.

But then there is the most important evidence of God's sense of humor, because he is laughing at the Devil. God gave us His grace, and we are saved by that alone. If we repent, confess our sins to God, and believe in Him, we have his promise of everlasting life.

Talk about having the last laugh. Not even the ulcer my eldest is giving me can take that away. The ulcer is coming because he is JUST like me, and my mom and my wife are telling me it's God's way of getting back at me. Now, I don't believe in a vengeful God. But when I have to discipline my son because he is a wisea--, or because he smarts off, or because he is anal retentive about some of the stupidest things on the face of the planet (see cluttery garage above), well, let's just say I see God's wicked sense of humor. And that is just fine with me. Thank you, Lord.

So don't break his leg when I knock him down. A few bruises and a little humility will suffice. And maybe he can shut up for five minutes. But then he wouldn't be just like me anymore. So go ahead and have your little laugh. Your blessings to me show me you love me. Even if it's a tough love at times.

Hizzoner is an excellent politician

Diversion. It's a legal term for what happens if you don't have a long criminal record and a judge has pity on you. It means you can go get counseling, do community service, or whatever and you eventually get your arrest record cleared.

Diversion is also a technique that smart politicians use to deflect criticism and get people to look the other way while things continue to spiral downward.

Mayor Herenton is a master of diversion. When the city was clamoring about the FBI investigation, Hizzoner manufactured a tale that said he would consider "retiring" as mayor. He said he wanted to become Superintendent of the Memphis City Schools. He had no more intention of doing this than he has of giving up on the under the table payments that, according to witnesses in recent corruption trials, he's getting.

As a new federal prosecutor is about to get appointed for the Memphis area, Herenton concocted a tale that said he might run for congress against Steve Cohen. Do you think maybe this was to put pressure on Cohen, who has a key role in appointing the prosecutor? Herenton wants someone who might be sympathetic to his lying, cheating, swindling, manipulating ways. In other words, he wants one of his homeys. By putting pressure on Cohen, Herenton hopes to get such a person as the new federal prosecutor. This, of course, is because Hizzoner sees the FBI investigative circle tightening.

Now Herenton announces that Lebonheur Children's Hospital will "partner" with the city to process rape kits when juveniles are victims. It's a brilliant political move. Lebonheur is, deservedly so, looked upon as one of the better children's hospitals in the United States. Having it involved in this will make the process speed up, guarantee accuracy, and give victims the kind and speedy treatment they are not getting now through the Rape Crisis Center, which is administered by the office of the Mayor.

By the way, did anyone else notice that half of all rape victims in Shelby County are children? Where is the outrage?

Herenton has survived one political crisis after another, and the list is a long one. But the outcry over the Rape Crisis Center is something new. It's across racial lines. It's bipartisan.

Now, of course, our chicken doo-doo City Council won't confront the Mayor and say, "well, the person you put in charge, that convicted felon (really) that had no experience who you are paying in excess of $100k per year is destroying the thing and you appointed her so it's on your watch so you should take responsibility".

The City Council has Janis Fullilove. 'Nuff said.

But Herenton is a smart politician. He feels the heat on this one. He knows this is something that is actually eroding his base support, and to do that takes a lot. It's been coming. When Hickory Hill got hit by a tornado last year Hizzoner did nothing to help. He didn't go out to see people, he didn't walk through the neighborhood to reassure people and tell them the city would help.

No, he did nothing, which is pretty much a metaphor for his leadership over the last few years. Nothing except for make himself rich, or course.

Even now, more than a year later, trash is still piled up in Hickory Hill, storm debris that still has not been cleared by the city.

And the Mayor's trash is piling up as well. As his appointees continue to fail, to screw the public pooch, the heat is finally turning up. The Rape Crisis Center is a vital organization, and it can no longer get its work done in time to help catch crooks or help sooth the wounds of victims. Yolanda McFagdon used to lead the Mayor's program to hire convicts and help them work for the city. She is uniquely qualified for this job as she, herself, is a convicted felon. She and her boyfriend liked to sell drugs, you see, or at least the boyfriend did. And she got caught hiding his stash in her house. Yet the Mayor has made her the head of the Rape Crisis Center.

Speaking of metaphors, how ironic that the Rape Crisis Center crisis is resonating with the people of Memphis, as rape is pretty much how I would describe what Hizzoner has done to all of us over the years.

At any rate, Herenton has now managed to draw attention away from all of the outcry by getting Lebonheur into the fold. He is like Houdini, a master political escape artist who knows how to pull the correct strings to divert attention away from himself. And, of course, Janice Broach and the rest of the local lapdog media won't say a damned thing about it. After all, if you're inviting lawmakers to your home for parties and promising no negative coverage, how can you go after them when they screw up? I am NOT making that up. One of the local News Directors does this.

Today the City Council will have the opportunity to grill the Mayor. It won't happen. They'll nod and say, "yes sir" and the city will continue to suffer through this latest crisis.

I ask again, when will you, as a voter in Memphis, wise up and fight this junk? You got what you deserved in who you elected. What are you going to do about it? The resounding answer for most is "nothing". Apathy, thy name is the Memphis electorate. Herenton understands this, and he knows how to energize his base, his "41% solution" which Bluto calls it.

This time, though, things feel a bit different. If the City Council actually grows a few pairs, and puts the heat on Hizzoner, then the outrage, which is righteous on this issue, will continue to grow.

There is finally an issue that can bring accountability to the Mayor's office. But it's going to take some loud and forceful voices of all colors. How about, for once, we all do the right thing and reveal the Emporer's new clothes? You read that book when you were a child, back when your parents were trying to teach you right from wrong. OK, in Memphis, a lot of parents were teaching you how to clean a handgun and rob a convenience store.

But for some of us the difference between right and wrong has blurred over the years. Few issues crystalize it like the Rape Crisis Center crisis. You have a city administration that has destroyed a vital institution. You have a Mayor who appointed an unqualified criminal to head one of the area's most important entities. Very few things, in politics or in life, are as clear.

Call your city council member RIGHT NOW and demand action. The number is 901-576-6786.

Or watch as things get even worse. Now is the time, and you have a chance to make a difference. What are you going to do? You can stop a rape. Do it. If you don't, you're just as guilty as McFagdon and Hizzoner. Mull that one over for a minute. Then make the call.

Bluto's Annoyed Friday Musings

One of my sons asked an interesting question of me this morning. He said, "Dad, does a hybrid car run on more than one fuel source?" I answered in the affirmative and that began a conversation about different types of fuel used by different hybrids.

What stopped me in my tracks was when he asked the $64 trillion question. "Dad, why can't they build cars that run well on batteries or hydrogen fuel cells?" Ah, the wisdom from the mouths of babes. I started to explain that, son, they can build these but the Detroit automakers fought it for a long time because they didn't want to spend the money to build assembly lines to crank out effective alternative fuel cars, and they had a model in the old gas-guzzlers that they figured would work forever, and their unions wouldn't have gone for it because their union members were making $100 an hour to show up drunk and effectively work one day per week.

Am I being too harsh on the unions? I grew up with a couple of guys whose bread and butter for many years came from working on a GM assembly line. Trust me, the part about showing up drunk or stoned and putting in one productive day per week is gospel. The conventional wisdom that said only buy a car made on Wednesdays was right on the money.

So, I started to tell my son about all of the stimulus money being dumped on American automakers, basically to bail them out from all of their stupidity or their grand theft. I stopped because I don't want him to hear, at least not this morning on a happy Friday, about the way our current congress will just throw money at anything.

Then there's the new solar farm about to go up about 50 miles east of Memphis. Get this. Stimulus money is going to be used to build a solar farm that will power 500 homes. Great idea, right? How about $60 million to build that sunny puppy? True story. Do the math, gang. There will NEVER, I repeat, NEVER, be a profit from the thing, except, of course, for the company that builds it.

If a private company wants to come in and invest to build the thing, wonderful. If the private company gets a bit of federal loan money to fund it, great. But why should taxpayers be paying for yet another boondoggle? Because we're not watching. The media are willing to allow congress to spend us into oblivion by swallowing the spew (I almost went to the gutter on that one, and you should be impressed I put on the brakes) from Saint Barrack.

I'm pondering this morning if congress is deliberately trying to frighten us so it can spend and spend and spend and then tax and tax and tax.

And, speaking of the media, the Memphis media in particular, it seems almost nobody is willing to take WMC and WREG to task for their blatantly false reporting about a kidnapping in Shelby County from a couple of days ago. They broke into their programming with "breaking news" about a carjacking and kidnapping. The problem was, it wasn't true. A kid made up a story. This points out a terrible problem in the battle for ratings. WREG is leading the way at putting police scanner traffic straight on the air and calling it news.

The dangerous problem with this is that scanner traffic is notoriously wrong. Police are on the scene trying to make sense of things, and first reports are routinely inaccurate. They eventually get things figured out, but it's like a parent walking into the middle of a disagreement between their children and immediately trying to make sense of it all.

WREG has figured out that Memphis is so apathetic and stupid that it will not call it to task when it does irresponsible, unethical, and dangerous things such as this. WMC, because it's now in a trailing position, has started doing it as well. Memphis, PLEASE demand better. At least make a call to the stations' General Managers and get your friends to do the same. I am not convinced they'll do anything about it but, when it continues, if people will change their channels that is the ultimate power to force change.

Or, just accept that WREG is going to scare the hell out of you and your family with blatantly inaccurate reporting. It's your choice.

Is it just me or is Nancy Pelosi one of the biggest liars to ever hold public office? I mean, this woman thinks she can say whatever she wants and that people will believe it and ignore it. Hey, maybe she has some Herenton in her family lineage.

I feel terribly bad for the car dealers who are getting caught up in the automakers' bankruptcy. Some of the dealers are making good money, and their employees work hard. With fewer dealerships, and consolidation of inventory, you can see what's coming with car prices, right? I think it's a great idea that we force prices up so we can spend more money on cars we don't freaking want.

Tell me again why we bailed Detroit out? In a free market economy, doesn't the working model show that inefficient and unprofitable companies get punished? Isn't that the way it's supposed to work? Well, with liberals in congress we just print money. Mark my words, in five years or less the media will be wondering why the automakers are still not doing things right.

Let me take over. The first thing I'll do is fire the unions. Each and every member of their overpaid, lazy, unproductive asses will be on the streets. I'll pay a good hourly wage for an honest day's work. I'll make cars that people want to buy. I'll make them reliable and comfortable, and I'll stand behind them with an outstanding warranty program.

I realize all of this makes too much sense so it will never happen, but I could win Powerball and go live on the Outer Banks. That makes a lot of sense to me.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I will abandon sobriety in a few hours and watch my kids play in the sand. Not even Saint BO can spoil that. Hey Nancy, I'll buy you a beer. Of course Monday you'll say you bought it and that you gave me $50 million so I would enjoy it. I'm OK with that, in case you wondered.

Today's likes and dislikes, or I'm going to have some fun today

I don't want to rant so much today. So:

I like: Kroger brand salsa. Trust me on this one. I've spent the big bucks on Newman's Own, a little less on Old El Paso and so on. But Kroger brand is less expensive and is just darned good.

I no like: The liars in our city Mayor's office who understand the people in this city just don't give a rat's pattootey about stuff like the $500,000 missing from the rape crisis center budget. The Mayor turns in his "balanced" budget and will never answer questions on it except in his own condescending, arrogant matter. And the people said, "AMEN!"

I like: The guy at my child's school who actually understood the bumper sticker I wrote about, "Twitter Proves The Mayans Were Right". He got it. There is intelligent life in Memphis.

I no like: Idiots in old pickup trucks who run red lights while talking on their cell phones. I see it every morning on Poplar. I want to say, "pickup, meet semi truck". But, like a Memphis police officer, there's never a homicidal trucker around when you really need one.

I like: Kroger-brand instant buttered grits. This is NOT a Kroger commercial, but if you like grits you have to try these puppies. They microwave in 45-seconds and are just yummy tasty. Seriously.

I no like: The City of Memphis recently fired a PR person who sent out an email telling local small businesses to apply for Stimulus funds headed here with which they could hire temporary help. Turns out the city wants to suck in the stimulus money and use it for, well, who knows what. I'm telling you if the Obama administration is serious about cracking down on waste and penalizing wasters, Memphis is ground zero. Hey, if the FBI can't get Willie's lying ass, maybe Obama can.

I like: Watching the students come to school every morning at my kids' school. Bright smiles, smiling eyes. It makes me hopeful for the future.

I no like: That this wonderfully thought-out federal stimulus plan, especially the billions for AIG, Chrysler, and GM, will have those same bright-eyed children paying for our mistakes into their retirement age.

I like: Staying up late with my eldest as he crams a book report into one long evening, and then seeing the thing turn into something outstanding of which he, and his parents, are proud.

I no like: Watching Paula Abdul deliberately sabotage Danny Gokey with a, by design, terrible song selection. I absolutely believe Abdul did it to help her favorite, Adam. Watching Paula fawn over those of the same persuasion as Adam over the years I am absolutely convinced this was deliberate. YES, I am bitching about American Idol. Deal with it.

I like: Ugly Mug Hardy Passion Bold Coffee. Ugly Mug is a Memphis-based company that pays higher prices for its coffee to support third-world coffee growers. And this particular blend is just outstanding. A TV friend of Bluto Blutarski's turned him on to it, and Bluto's eyes are opened each day by its pleasing taste and aroma. You can get Ugly Mug at Kroger and Schnucks.

I no like: Watching Allied Waste trucks spew trash as they travel down the street. It's a regular occurrence in my neck of the woods.

I like: Reading books to my youngest who, last night, brought me three books that all had variations of the "I love my daddy" theme. Daddy went to sleep very happy last night.

I no like: Watching idiots who watch as their children throw litter out of a car. My wife was recently behind such morons at a Wendy's drive through. The child in the back threw an entire bag of trash out of the window. My wife yelled they had dropped something. The mother: "oh they didn't mean to". My wife, "OK, but you should pick it up". The mother, "mind your own f--king business honky bitch." Teach your children, and yes Memphis reaps what it sows. But, does anyone care?

I like: Dos Equis Special Lager, in an ice-cold schooner, on tap, with lime. And that is a good way to end today's post. Maybe I was a bit short on substance today, but I just didn't feel like getting all worked up.

I also like: Listening to live Jimmy Buffet concerts on Radio Margaritaville. There's one tonight at 9:30 from Phoenix.

Tomorrow is national beer day, OK, maybe it's just Bluto Blutarski Beer Day, but whatever. Let's have one together, shall we. If you know who I am, you know where I'll be at 5:00.

You're not a real Christian if you think you're smarter than God

I am a Christian. Let's get that out there right off the top. I believe that I am saved by grace and grace alone. I believe that Christ died for my sins. I believe the Bible is the infallible word of God. And judging by today's world that last sentence sets me apart from, oh, about 75 percent of Americans today.

I am absolutely amazed by how many people think they are smarter than God. I am constantly dumbfounded by those who think they can pick the things they like from the Bible, use them, and then discard the things they find inconvenient or, "just not right with today's world".

The last I checked God hadn't given anyone permission to write anything new in the Bible in, oh, about 2000 years. Never mind Joe Smith and those wacky Mormons, who have written their own King James version of the Bible, and "another testament of Jesus Christ" (the Book of Mormon). But other than that I have not yet read a missive from God who said, "Hey, y'all, it's time for some new commandments so, yo, just take what you want out of my word and just throw the rest in the dumpster." I haven't even heard Fox News proclaim that, and we all know that if God had said it, Fox News would have the exclusive. Or not.

By now you wonder what spawned today's self-righteous rant. Today Bluto Blutarski is trying to come to grips with two new developments. First, the headline from the local fish wrap from Monday that said, "Catholics fawn over Obama visit to Notre Dame" or something like that. And the other is lingerie model, turned Christian, turned Miss USA Carrie Prejean.

Let's get this straight (bad choice of words considering the subject). Carrie Prejean showed a slutty side posing semi-nude for pictures. That was NOT in keeping with Christian teachings. The Bible does not say, "show thy breasts for a photographer so you can make money or satisfy some sort of carnal craving, as it's all good." The Bible also doesn't say anything about implants. It does talk about loving your body and treating it as a temple.

And, like it or not, women who get implants are not treating their bodies as temples. They do it for one main reason, vanity. And the Bible talks a lot about vanity and how bad that is. But, hey, the Bible shouldn't be taken literally, should it? I mean, if I want implants I should be able to buy them. After all, I want men (or women for that matter) to ogle my breasts. Inconveniently, the Bible also talks about lust. The Bible, which is God's word, clearly says: "lust-bad". But that's inconvenient.

Oh, I got my implants for my husband. Sorry, doesn't fly. The Bible commands husbands to love their wives as they love God. God don't got no implants. And if your husband wants you to get implants because he doesn't like your boobs, is he really a man of God and worth having as a husband? But this isn't about implants.

Carrie Prejean is a sinner. So am I. And, as you read this, so are you. We all sin. But God forgives us if we truly are sorry and we have faith in Him. It's a truly miraculous thing. To give you an idea of how strong this declaration is, I recall one of my favorite stories a former Muslim told me.

He knew a Muslim man who was struggling with his faith. He'd been studying Christianity and was considering converting. His family, all Muslims, had told him he would be disowned, which falls slightly short of the "dismembered" or "disemboweled" that many Muslims get from other Muslims if they convert. So, the Muslim man was struggling. He met with a Christian Pastor to talk about things.

The Pastor asked him, "if you do all you are commanded by the Koran, are you sure you will go to heaven when you die?" The Muslim man shrugged and said, "if Allah wills." The Pastor opened his Bible to John 3:16 and said, "if you have faith, you are saved by His grace and you will know, with absolute certainty, that you will go to heaven when you die."

He's right. God knows, because he made us, that we are incapable of leading sinless lives. We are all sinners.

So, Carrie Prejean sinned. Let's not try to defend her actions. Women who pose nude or semi-nude sin. Period. End of argument. But that's also not the point here. Carrie Prejean spoke out, and is speaking out, because she believes what the Bible says about homosexuality.

The Bible is crystal clear on the gay lifestyle. Homosexuality is a sin. And, if homosexuals don't repent and ask forgiveness, they're doomed. Gay marriage is against Biblical teachings. So Prejean speaks the truth and now she is being crucified by the media, especially entertainment media, and Hollywood. They're dragging up her slutty pictures and saying, "wow, who is she to talk about us?" Prejean didn't do herself any favors with her pictures. She doesn't have a Lilly white "bully pulpit" to stand on. She doesn't need one.

If one studies the Apostles, some of them were HUGE sinners before they met Christ. Now, Prejean is no Peter, Paul, Luke, or John. But she IS speaking the truth. The truth is just that. It never changes. It never alters. It stays constant. And most people don't want to hear the truth because it forces them to look into their own, personal, mirror and show them the flawed reflection that their lives have become. They would rather not look inwardly and simply continue on their paths. Having God looking over your shoulder is inconvenient for some, as they feel they have to either defend their actions or say, "well, I'm doing the best I can and in today's world some of that stuff just doesn't apply." I actually had a Methodist minister tell me not long ago that the Bible was for the past, and it's up to us today to interpret it by today's standards. I am NOT making that up.

Let's go back to where I started today. Christianity is NOT situational. You either have Christian values or you don't. So, if the Miss USA pageant takes away Prejean's title, it is absolutely the duty of every Christian to boycott the Miss USA Pageant. Believe me, the AC Nielsen company will know you did it. Even if the numbers don't fall because gays and their allies watch in record numbers, Nielsen will still know where the households were that watched and know the makeup of those households. And if you're reading anything written or done by "Perez Hilton" (in quotes as it's his pseudonym) you're supporting his stand for gay marriage, the gay lifestyle, and everything he's doing to persecute Prejean.

Now, back to our President. He visits Notre Dame. Catholics swoon. The last time I checked, Roman Catholics are supposed to be passionately opposed to abortion. During the presidential campaign many priests spoke out and told Catholics not to vote for Obama because he is pro-abortion. Let's not PC this argument and call it "pro-choice", please. You're either in favor of legal abortion or you're not.

So, Catholics are choosing to ignore their own doctrine, turn the other cheek if you will, and follow Obama.

When, exactly, did we get smarter than God? Where was the turning point where America, and Americans, suddenly got the keys to the kingdom, and the right to interpret the Bible any which way that suits our whim and whimsy?

I love my country, but this sickens and frightens me. Americans feel it's OK to do whatever as long as it puts money into our pockets, makes life a little easier or, more importantly, allows us to turn away and not have to think about how much we're violating God's word.

I am just one voice in the wilderness. But I see these things as clarion calls to we Christians who want to do the right thing. Ethics are not situational, and being a Christian isn't either. I tell my children that doing the right thing is not always easy. As a matter of fact, it's downright hard sometimes especially when doing the wrong thing is so easy and nobody will notice. But the right thing is always the right thing. And somebody does notice.

It's inconvenient for people to hear or read this, but God notices. And, in the end, that's what matters. You can't live a life of sin and expect salvation. You can't simply pick and choose from God's laws and expect Him to save you. It doesn't work that way. God doesn't expect you to be perfect. He only expects you to believe, repent, and try to live a good life.

Yes, this was preachy and I am not normally that way. But Bluto understands there must be many voices crying in the wilderness right now.

If you have read any of my previous posts, you know Bluto Blutarski despises dishonesty, disloyalty, and disingenuousness. But what Bluto feels is irrelevant. What's in YOUR heart, mind, and soul? God knows. Think about that and the consequences as you think about whether you should take a stand for God's law. And, if you think the Bible is simply something written by a bunch of white guys that no longer applies, well, have fun with eternity.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me some morality

I saw an interesting bumper sticker yesterday. It said, "Twitter shows the Mayans were right". I think it was a commentary on the vacuousness we Americans embrace these days. Admit it. Twitter is not exactly something that makes the old cerebral cortex do intellectual back flips. And the Mayan calendar, after thousands of years of ticking along, runs out in 2012. There is no restart. There is no "mulligan". There is no space-time continuum. It just ends. I don't know if the Mayans thought there would be some gigantic celestial bang-bang or what. But the fact is the Mayan calendar ends in three years.

When I saw on the news yesterday that our esteemed President is considering an openly gay judge for a seat on the United States Supreme Court, I stopped thinking about the Mayan implications and started contemplating the Roman Empire. The Romans had their orgies. They had their bloody spectacles in the Coliseum. But they also had the technical knowledge to build buildings, aqueducts, and roads that still stand, and function well, two thousand years after they were built. Hell, American builders can't even build houses that will stand up to wood rot for five years, let alone a thousand. And we have power tools!

The Roman Empire ruled a big chunk of what was then the known world. They built things, big things, and the things worked. Their government model is still the stuff from which many modern governments come. OK, so the Emperor gig isn't exactly something that will thrive long-term. But many modern-day governments owe a lot to the Roman model; especially the bicameral legislature and the way laws were drafted and enacted.

The Romans chugged along for years. But things started falling apart when morality (an argument can be made that the Romans were never exactly the world's moral compass) was pretty much thrown to the stone-road curb. When Rome started allowing debauchery to override the business of the state, when Roman government and government figures started letting the pleasures of the flesh dominate and adopted an "anything goes" mantra for their lives, Rome started losing battles it once won, and its people gave up on the government. True, Rome always had its share of sinful behavior, but what kept Rome going was that the people running the place understood that the empire had to come first, and party time came second. When they forgot that, things went to hell pretty quickly and the Roman Empire pretty much became, well, Italy.

President Obama played down his ties to Islam during the Presidential campaign. Whether or not he is Islamic, or has strong ties to Islam, is a subject for debate. Let's look at recent events. His deep bow to the King of Saudi Arabia goes way beyond political protocol or a breach thereof. The King of Saudi Arabia funds the building of Mosques around the world. If you get a few Muslims together, petition the king, and promise you'll go to prayers in the building, the king will build a Mosque for you. There are thousands around the world, and a ton of them in the United States. The King of Saudi Arabia is viewed as the titular head of the Muslim world. Our President bowed down to him. Deeply. Not a nod of the head, but a big old full waist bow. It was deferential. It was almost reverent. All of the Obamaites in the media pretty much blew it off. There was a little discussion of the implications, but Obama's Press Secretary said, "hey, ain't no thing", and the media puckered up and said, "we are so sorry" while genuflecting toward Mecca.

Obama just issued a proclamation for the "National Day Of Prayer". He did not hold a White House event, as his predecessors have done. If it's a separation of church and state thing, I can't really argue too much. But the first time I see a Ramadan feast or a Hajj celebration, I'm going to have a come apart.

Obama didn't go to church anywhere that I can tell on Easter Sunday.

Now Obama may nominate a homosexual to the Supreme Court.

I am not going to criticize his religious beliefs. I am not hateful and vindictive and, while I strongly believe in Christ and salvation through the grace of God, I also respect other religious beliefs, with the exception of Scientology which is just about the weirdest thing I've ever seen (you HAVE to study this stuff, it's simply amazing). I mean, I've never met any of the "body Thetans" that are running around inside me and, quite frankly, the world is weird enough so that I don't think I need to think about alien beings that I need to drive out of my body.

My point in writing this is that the President is not, in my examination, a Christian. And I believe he should come clean and let us know what he does believe. I resent the fact that he leads us on and tries to make us think he is. If he isn't, God bless him. Let's discuss but respect his relgious beliefs. Honestly, if his Presidency is a success, the country prospers. It's all good for all of us. I just don't respect people who try to fool me for their own personal gain. And if Obama doesn't have the fortitude to be honest, or he stays silent and deceitful for policial reasons, then why do I want him as my President?

Now, back to the issue of a homosexual on the Supreme Court.

The African-American community in the US is incredibly outspoken about homosexuality. There is little tolerance for it, and many black people I know are vocal and outspoken about their opposition to homosexuality. The black community in Memphis is outspoken about church and faith. I respect the fact that local African-Americans take pride in their churches and their faith in God. I think we could all learn a lot from that.

BUT, I'm going to bet you $5 right now that there will be a deafening silence from the black community about Obama's SCOTUS nominee, just as there has been almost no mention or disagreement with his cloaking of, or disguise of, his religion.

In a previous posting, I said I was going to call it "Herenton's 41% solution", the 41% of Memphians that will continue to vote for the Mayor because he's black. I hate that, just as I despise those who will vote for a white candidate ONLY because he's white, or a Jewish candidate ONLY because he is a Jew, and so on.

Can one really respect a group of community leaders that will remain silent on important issues simply because the person at the center of the controversy looks like them? Can one really respect anyone who is dishonest to a fault for their own gain?

The Roman Empire fell because government corruption and debauchery were not reined in. The people just sat silently as their way of life crumbled around them. They tolerated the intolerance and sinful behavior that flourished around them which, by many historical accounts I can find, included Roman leaders, men, having an appetite for boys.

And here's my final comment for today. I don't believe a homosexual Supreme Court Justice can be fair and balanced on issues involving the gay community. There will be too much pressure on him, just as I see various segments of society putting pressure on their home boys who are in places of authority. And here's where I'm going to get absolutely hammered; I have not yet met an outspoken defender of the gay lifestyle who is willing and able to accept honest discussion about the problems with it from any point of view, societal, religious, medical, you name it. "Out of the closet" gays who openly defend their lifestyle are usually radical and loud in their defense of it, and they will NOT listen to debate. OK, for private citizens this free speech is protected under the Constitution of our United States. But when an openly, and practicing, homosexual is selected to defend and interpret that constitution, I see no reason to believe he can do so objectively. That, to me, is a HUGE problem, and yet another step toward what some Christians believe are the "End Times".

Maybe the Mayans are right after all.

When one lives among tax and spend liberals, one must understand that rational thinking about budgets is considered irrational

So, I'm watching the news about budget cuts in Shelby County. I'm listening to the County's CAO tell me that the budget has to be cut. Fair enough. I'm starting to get some hope for the tax and spend freaks who run the City of Memphis and the County of Shelby. Then the hope is dashed.

I've said, many times, that when one lives in a locale where government is the 2nd largest employer, you just know your tax rate is going to be stupid big and you're going to see a lot of wasteful government spending. Yup. Ask the folks who analyze tax burdens for every state and community in the US. They'll tell you that Tennessee, in general, and the Memphis area, in particular, are hotbeds of taxation ruination.

I love it when the Memphis Mayor surrounds himself with a whole pack of cronies making more than $100k per annum. I particularly like it when he appoints one of his favorites, a woman who is a former convict, to head the rape crisis center and the whole damned thing falls apart. Hey, we can blame the haters, right mister Mayor? Oh, and then there's the head of the library system who has no experience with libraries, and the head of the department that deals with wastewater who has no wastewater experience, and so on, and so on. And have you actually tried to get results by calling the Mayor's Action Center lately? Come to think of it, I think I'll submit "Mayor's Action Center" in the national "Oxymoron of the year" contest. Yet I don't hear any kind of groundswell of disgust from the citizens of Memphis. You get what you allow, my brothers and sisters.

I digress. Shelby County Government is so deep in the hole, fiscally, it looks like a Jules Verne tale. The county says it needs to cut something like $5 million for next fiscal year, which is like saying they need to cut a twig off of a giant redwood.

So, instead of saying, "maybe all of our official peeps shouldn't be driving county vehicles home", and there are a lot of them you're paying for gang, or "maybe we don't need so many people in administrative functions", or something that actually makes a modicum of sense, they're going to slice the Sheriff's Department. Well, excuse me, but the last I checked the Memphis area has a tad of a crime problem. It's not just inside the city limits. People get shot, stabbed, raped (get ready to wait a couple of days to get checked if you're a rape victim because the rape crisis center, which used to be a jewel, has seen a huge staff exodus because the city ran out everyone who didn't live in the city limits and now it doesn't have enough qualified nurses to do the sexual assault tests that are critical for conviction of rapists), carjacked, robbed, beaten, assaulted, and otherwise victimized in Shelby County every day.

So, starting in July, there will be fewer Shelby County Sheriff's Deputies on the streets. I feel safer knowing that the county's employees can drive safely home in their taxpayer-funded cars with their taxpayer-paid gasoline. And if they get into an accident, their taxpayer-paid insurance will take care of it. And they can take a year off with all of the sick time they accrue under the County's asinine and archaic sick leave plan (you're paying for the time off, by the way). And while they benefit from the largesse provided by county taxpayers, there will be fewer deputies to catch crooks and patrol roads and highways.

No problem. Tell me again why we elect these idiots? OK, idiot is the wrong word. It just seemed right. Pompous, dole-taking, bribe accepting, developer ass kissing, tax and spend us into a canyon assholes is what I should have said. My bad.

Shelby County gets what it votes for. It gets what it allows. It suffers from what it ignores. Tell you what. Instead of sending tea bags to Washington, how about we get more interested in what's going on around here and actually do our homework before voting for these idiots? Yeah, not going to happen. But what a nice dream. And then there's that 41% of people who are going to vote for somebody who looks like them no matter how crooked, stupid, inept, incompetent, or convicted somebody is. Isn't that the percentage of vote Mayor Willie got last time? I'm just sayin'.

Here's the deal. What if we file a federal court lawsuit and get the election system changed back to where the winner has to have 50.1%? Remember when that got thrown to the curb? That was right before Herenton beat Hackett. Ford Sr., led a charge for a change because he claimed, and probably rightly so at that time, that minorities were underrepresented here because there was little likelihood, with more than two candidates in the race, they could get a minority elected because the white guy (use of guy intentional for that time) would always win the runoff.

Well, now we live in a minority/majority city. That argument is passe. And it's the reason Herenton can play the race card and get elected any time he wants. I'm going to call it his 41% solution.

File suit. Throw it out. And we might actually get to elect people who understand you can't tax and spend your way out of anything. And tax and spend is why we're about to fire a bunch of deputies to try to cut a budget that's top heavy with waste and pork. Wake up, people.

When electrons, bits, and bytes bite our pockets

I have not written a check to pay a monthly bill to send to any of my creditors since 1998. That's when I discovered electronic banking. I remember the great cacophony and wailing that then surrounded online banking. People predicted hackers would steal every penny out of my account, that I would not be able to keep track of my payments or my account balances, and that unscrupulous companies would siphon more money out of my account than that to which they were entitled.

Other than the time my bank mysteriously cancelled the mortgage payment I had set up to automatically pay every month, online banking has been pretty darned successful. My bank gives it to me free, and the online resources are easy to use. Most banks, especially the better ones, figured out long ago that online banking was cheaper for both the bank and the client. With no paper checks to write, sort, or mail, the cost is basically nothing. Oh, the banks have to maintain plenty of server space and keep the sites running securely and well, but they'd have to do that with their mainframes anyway and the cost to do this is a fraction of what paper and postage would cost.

So, I'm puzzled as to why my mortgage banker charges me $6 each month to process my automatic payment. The money goes straight from my checking account to the bank, wirelessly, electronically, and instantly. So, why the extra $6 charge? Because they can. It's $72 per year I have to pay for convenience and, since I put every bill possible on auto pay because my memory of when it's time to pay bills can slip a bit, they're sticking it to me for my convenience. And, get this; it's pure profit for the bank.

I'm puzzled as to why one of my credit card companies wants to charge me $16.95 if I want to pay a bill electronically and have it post to my account the same day I pay it. If I schedule it to pay one day later, there is no charge. Again, it's all electronic, little bits and bytes of data, so there is no paper and the payment posts immediately on the credit card company's server. This means there is no cost to the credit card company. Luckily I'm in the habit of paying my credit card bills early to try to mitigate some interest fees, so this isn't a normal issue. But, again, they're sticking it to me.

I found an old gift card lying around the house and called the "800" number just to check the balance. This particular Visa gift card company is charging me $2 for month as a "processing fee". Processing what? The data sit on the company's server. It isn't eating any binary code so it doesn't need to be fed. And it's just sitting there not running around so Visa doesn't have to clean up a mess. So, if I or someone in my family doesn't get out there and spend, spend, spend we have to pay $2 per month which comes off the top of the gift card balance. Hey, son, I wanted you to save this card and use it for something special, but go out there and buy something worthless and of poor quality today so we don't have to keep getting royally screwed by one of Visa's minions.

I'm not a big fan of our President. I don't believe "tax and spend" works. Actually, that's not quite true. I think it will work to wreck our long-term economic prospects, and the debt we're running up right now will haunt my children in their adulthood. Let the little bastards sweat and watch their tax rate to up to 50% to pay for all of the government's spending.

That being written, I salute President Obama for his desire to tighten up on the credit card and banking industries. I hate government regulation of most businesses. But when businesses prove they can't regulate themselves, and consumers are getting routinely cheated and swindled through no fault of their own, then it's time for the government to act. True, nobody ever put a gun to the head of anyone and told them to run up a $10,000 credit card bill on a $25,000 annual salary. But I have, personally, seen examples of excess that I feel proves the credit card industry is a train on a crooked track that needs to be throttled down.

One of my credit cards used to be due on the 5th of each month. Then it was the 4th, the 3rd, and so on. Within a year and a half the new due date was the 15th of the previous month. They got me once. I was so used to paying on the same day that I missed a due date and had to pay the $35 penalty. If I want to pay something off after I buy it, I had better not wait until the statement comes because I'm going to pay interest. And I once cancelled a card and started paying off the balance. The interest rate went from 6% to 24.9% overnight. Why is that ethical? In my mind it should be illegal.

One final whine. If a credit card can get a purchase to show up on your on-line statement immediately, why does a credit take five or more days? It's all bits, bytes, and little electrons floating from one computer to another. There ain't no teller named Mary stamping things, there ain't no USPS postage, and there ain't no mail carrier losing my payment. It's all instantly transmitted, instantly posted, and when it suits the companies it comes instantly out of my bank account. But when it's time for them to put something back in? It almost takes an act of congress. And that's exactly why congress needs to get involved and force accountability on the crooks, thieves, and financial muggers that run the credit card industry. I realize I'm asking congress to do something responsible but, hey, we all have our momentary lapses of reason.

Guns In Memphis Restaurants and Bars

It's like a bad headline on Fark.com or something like that. The Tennessee State Legislature is about to approve a bill that will allow people to carry their firearms into restaurants and bars. Damn, I don't think I could make that up if I tried. I'm going to cringe at Kimmel et.al as they get wind of this quintessential dumb southernerner story.

This bothers me on so many levels. I own a rifle. I believe people, if they have clean criminal records, should be able to own a firearm. I am going to teach my eldest child how to safely fire and handle a weapon this summer. So, before you start reading "damned bleeding heart faggot liberal left-wing dickhead" into this, it just ain't true. I'll compare my military service record and firearms qualification medals to yours any day.

I just don't feel safe bringing my children into bars where drunk people are packing. Alcohol breeds arguments, and arguments breed fights and, unfortunately, around here and in many places, especially in the south, fights breed gunfire. For some reason Bubba and homey think guns extend the size of their pee pees, and they have to draw down on people when they get "disrespected." I see it too often; some inebriated jerk kills his friend/son/dad/girlfriend/ho because the shooter was offended by something somebody said.

Don't we teach our children the old "sticks and stones" deal? My mom always said, "profanity is the crutch of feeble minded people." Well, since I sometimes spew f-bombs like the former jock and Marine I am, I guess feeble is as feeble does, Forrest. But most of the people I know, people who've never been inside a cage at 201 or robbed a convenience store because "the man keeping me down" are like me, they've never had the urge to light somebody up with a Glock nine. In Memphis an f-bomb, especially if it's attached to a remark about somebody's bitch, can lead to a hail of lead. It's stupid. It's ridiculous. It's embraced by the local culture. And it's exactly why I won't take my family into any local establishment that allowed guns. When one lives in a city where the Mayor talks about kicking somebody's ass if they don't stop "bringing him mess" well, I don't see much of a future for the intelligent and strong minded.

The law allows bars and restaurants to post signs that prohibit guns. It says that, if you've been drinking before you hit the pub, you can't carry the gun inside the restaurant. It says the restaurant can't serve alcohol to you if you're packing. Do you REALLY think any of this is enforceable? Do you really think the bars will try?

What are the imbeciles and morons in Nashville thinking? OK, stupid question. It's all about a powerful firearms lobby and weak lawmakers who won't stand up to anybody if they throw around enough money. The legislature is about to pass more laws to hide the way government does business. It's about to let that drunk redneck bring his .45 and sit next to you. Have fun with that. And, when dude starts firing off a few caps because he got pissed off about something infantile and ridiculous, and your children get that wonderful feeling that comes from seeing people bleeding and dying in front of them, send a little thank you note to Nashville. Address it to "stupid bastards at the state capitol". It will get there, no problem.